Seven Ways to Be a Horrible Event Planner
Not many people actively try to be terrible at their job. However, sometimes being ignorant of best industry practices and standards can make you the bad guy when you don’t mean to be. If you’re aiming to be the worst event planner you can be, follow these seven simple steps and you’ll achieve notoriety and infamy in no time:
Don’t obtain any formal education in event planning
You planned your own birthday party last year, and that was a giant hit, right? I mean, all you did was get a bunch of people together at a restaurant and order a bunch of drinks, but there was definitely planning involved. By that logic, you’re a seasoned expert! You can probably just “wing it” at weddings and funerals and baby showers and parties and whatever else your client wants.
Don’t start planning an event until a week before it happens
Seriously, how long can it take to plan a good quality event? Blah, blah, blah, venue, blah, blah, blah caterer. You’ll be able to coast by just working extra hard that last week. Especially with weddings. The bride will be very understanding when the three-tiered cake she requested has been replaced by 15 Ninja-Turtle cupcakes purchased from the grocery store. Hey, cake is cake, right? You even paid extra for the miniature figurines. She’ll understand.
Change everything about the event without first consulting the client
Your client wants a country-themed wedding, preferably hosted at a barn or farm, but that is SO 2011. What the client NEEDS is a metropolitan wedding with sparkles, glitter, and confetti! Red carpets and limos! Over-the-top chandeliers! Champagne spilling from the ceiling! Rolex party favors for everyone! A helicopter arrival! They’ve come to you for your expertise, so you’re using it. Your idea is better, anyway. The client will be thrilled!
Be messy and unorganized
There’s nothing a client loves more than coming to meet with you at your home or office and encountering filth. People LOVE filth. It makes you relatable and down-to-earth. People will absolutely not be put-off by unseemly sights or smells. Try to leave some empty pizza boxes and half-filled glasses of soda around, too, to give it that extra “lived-in” vibe. The client is probably used to it at their own house, anyway. You’re just helping them to feel more at home! If you can, forget about your appointment and reschedule it. It makes you seem very busy, and a busy event planner must be highly sought after!
Don’t set boundaries with clients
Be available all day, every day, for as long as the client needs. The client can’t sleep at 2am because they’re debating between the taupe and topaz table runners? No problem, have them give you a call. It isn’t like you need to sleep in order to function at your best. You’re used to pulling all-nighters, you certainly won’t feel disturbed. Especially when you go to the movies with your boyfriend and you’ve got 108 missed calls by the time you leave. Time for yourself is over-rated anyway.
Alienate your suppliers
If your suppliers don’t provide exactly what you want exactly when you want it, feel free to indulge in a full-blown meltdown at their expense. Kicking, screaming, yelling, crying, and punching walls are all encouraged activities you should partake in if and when you don’t get your way. Don’t be understanding, and certainly don’t try to problem solve with the supplier. They have done you a great disservice. Who cares if the products you ordered are discontinued? The supplier should be able to supply them, damn it! GIMME MY PRODUCTS!
Treat the rest of your team as inferiors
Take credit for everything all of the time. After all, it is YOUR business, so you should naturally get all the credit, plain and simple. You don’t get to the top by working as a team, you get to the top being cutthroat and vicious like a rabid fruit bat! Someone disagrees with your opinion? FIRED! Someone wants a different shade of blue at the request of the bride? FIRED! Someone asked why you weren’t listening to the bride’s requests? FIRED! Someone’s name is Agatha? FIRED! That’s how you make a name for yourself as a no-nonsense businesswoman.